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Gareth Bale’s return to Spurs seems the perfect signing for Jose Mourinho. Both men left their previous clubs amidst an air of bitterness, resentment & relief. Both were well and truly twatted by Real Madrid. AND both are Welsh (apart from the one who’s Portuguese). But so far, Bale’s come on as sub to witness West Ham scoring three in the final ten minutes, frozen his bollocks off on the bench at Turf Moor and suffered Europa league defeat, playing like a right, royal twerp against, spookily enough, Royal Antwerp. So, is Bale right for Spurs?


The Welshman was hated at the Bernabéu and there are reasons for that animosity. Reason 1: He didn’t speak Spanish.  Come on, who does? Everyone knows that when you go to Spain you just speak English in a slower, louder voice and they understand every word.

Reason 2: He liked golf.  Fair enough.   It’s a game for Pringle-wearing tossers played by Pringle-wearing tossers. Reason 3: He didn’t like going out late for team dinners. Also fair enough. Have you seen footballers on a night out?  If they haven’t taken a piss from a gold mirror bar, or filmed themselves spit-roasting a couple of WAG hopefuls or broken some arbitrary Covid regulation by 8.30 whilst wearing white socks and sliders, the night’s a washout.  


Bale is perfect for Spurs: he’s a bit posy, will fade from games at various points and is a nice bloke. And besides, Daniel “Hands Off My Purse Strings” Levy is not bothered one iota with the Welshman’s slow start. Levy signed Bale for one reason and one reason only.


He’s been bought to work miracles on the team’s haircuts and top knot them into the 21st century. Son’s pudding bowl (now buoyed up with a side parting) must go. Kane’s WW2 Brylcreem-Boy vibe is on a slippery slope and the less said about Mourinho’s current “hair hacked off with a carving knife” look, the better.

Bale will offer free-flowing locks, demi-waves of attacks and plenty of highlights on the fringe of the box but both he and Mourinho know Spurs will have to start by doing something about how bad the back looks.

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