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We’ve had yet another weekend of VAR controversy. One which prompted a top football website to come up with a very weak “What a VAR-ce” headline. (It’s a feeble play on the word ‘farce’ – where VAR replaces the ‘far’ in ‘farce’ if you say it as a word rather than read out V-A-R.)

Anyway, off the back of all the cock-ups, the Referees’ body, PGMOL, have issued the following statement. “Yep, we fucked up again. Apologies again. Typical eh? What can we say? It’s that old ‘significant human error’ shit.  But, there is a perfectly good and rational explanation for it.


“See, when the lads over at Stockley Park have put on their referee kit just to sit down at a table and watch telly, their minds wander. When they ought to be drawing straight lines on football pitches, they’re playing Candy Crush. Or they’re nipping out to the loo ten minutes before half-time to avoid the queue. (We’re a bit short of toilets at Stockley.) Or they’re scrolling through Instagram and knocking a quick one out to that video of Britney Spears where she wears that tight green outfit. It’s no wonder the VAR lines are a bit wobbly. Those shorts are simp- ooh, um, excuse me a minute.”

When the spokesman came back, he continued, “Here at the PGMOL, we do think the players could help.  Like, when someone’s offside, they should tell us. Just admit it – it’s dishonest not to.  

“Or when they do that diving thing to win a penalty – even if the cheating bastard diver doesn’t own up – his team mates should hold up scores. You know, like in diving competitions. Then, not only would the ref know it was a dive, but we could inject some humour as well.


“After all, we want everyone to get on in the football community, don’t we? Oh and that reminds me: No, we’re not overturning that red card. Whichever foul wasn’t committed by someone who didn’t touch someone else, who gives a shit? Have that card rescinded? I’ll tell what you can do with that red card. You can shove it up your V.A.RSE!”

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