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‘MAN, IT’S SO UNFAIR!’ UNITED

With all the charm, sophistication and rigour of a 15-year-old who thinks the world is against him and regularly wanks into a sock, Man United fans are well and truly fucked off. They’re asking how has Fate conspired to leave them 13th in the table and bottom of their Champions League group.
After Rasmus Højlund’s first League ‘goal’ for the Red Devils was shockingly ruled out just because the ball happened to go out of play half a second earlier, United fans – as one – declared that “there’s a conspiracy against the club”. The fans sang out, in unison, that “It’s not fair. We’re supposed to win.” An official fan spokesman for the flailing, in-crisis-ever-since-Fergie-left club said, “It’s soooo not fair. City get the really good Scandinavian striker and we get the smaller, spottier, rubbisher one.”

The spokesman went on, “Seriously. Someone up there is taking the piss – and I don’t just mean those Glazier bastards. We got a much worser, bald manager than City. They got a World-Cup-winning forward from South America. We got the well-ugly, whining winger one. AND – due to a paperwork cock-up – we even accidentally signed Harry McGuire.”
