Latest Headlines

‘MAN, IT’S SO UNFAIR!’ UNITED

With all the charm, sophistication and rigour of a 15-year-old who thinks the world is against him and regularly wanks into a sock, Man United fans are well and truly fucked off. They’re asking how has Fate conspired to leave them 13th in the table and bottom of their Champions League group.

After Rasmus Højlund’s first League ‘goal’ for the Red Devils was shockingly ruled out just because the ball happened to go out of play half a second earlier, United fans – as one – declared that “there’s a conspiracy against the club”. The fans sang out, in unison, that “It’s not fair. We’re supposed to win.” An official fan spokesman for the flailing, in-crisis-ever-since-Fergie-left club said, “It’s soooo not fair. City get the really good Scandinavian striker and we get the smaller, spottier, rubbisher one.”

HØJLUND – “YEAH, BUT ONLY BY THIS MUCH!”

The spokesman went on, “Seriously. Someone up there is taking the piss – and I don’t just mean those Glazier bastards. We got a much worser, bald manager than City. They got a World-Cup-winning forward from South America. We got the well-ugly, whining winger one. AND – due to a paperwork cock-up – we even accidentally signed Harry McGuire.”

ANTONY – I CAN FLICK BOGIES

The Antony saga only increased the fans’ sense of conspiracy – with the back pages labelling the Brazilian-bleached-blonde-beach-boy violent and immature. “It’s a total witch-hunt,” the fan scoffed. “Antony says he’s happy to meet those who say he’s violent and immature and prove them wrong by smashing their faces in.”

The same fan spokesman – who is a diehard, local fan living pretty close to the ground in Bournemouth – went on to say, “There is one upside. At least our future is secure because we have two of England’s most promising young forwards in Jaydon Sancho and Mason Greenwood.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related Articles

Back to top button