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CHELSEA SHOCK: NEW BOSS THOMAS TUCHEL SACKED BY ABRAMOVICH

Though Thomas Tuchel has just been appointed as manager of Chelsea, trigger-happy despot, Roman Abramovich, has already scheduled the German’s sacking.

ROMAN – BEING FRANK

The somewhat murkily moneyed pal of Putin normally just skulks around in the background. But today he said, “I would like to thank Thomas for all he’s about to do for the club. However, sadly, I’m left with no choice but to sack him before he’s been here for fifteen months.  

“The board are totally in agreement that it’s time for Thomas to leave. Mainly that’s because I am the board. It would be a bit weird for different parts of my body to disagree with other parts.

“Recent results have probably been below expectations. I don’t know that for certain as I only watch the odd game, but it’s a reasonable excuse.   There is never a good time to part with a manager except, that is, when I get a bit bored of them grovelling or having to talk to them.  

“WHY DO THEY CHASE THAT ROUND THING?”

“I only have three conversational gambits: “Isn’t Putin great?”, “Have you seen my sexy wife?” and a joke about the Novichok poison. That doesn’t translate well as westerners don’t find poisoning funny.   Once each manager’s heard these a few times, they look bored and I have to sack them for insubordination. So, after a lengthy discussion with my diary, it’s been decided that a change is needed at some point in the future.

LAMPARD – WHO’S SARRI NOW?

“Let’s face it, it doesn’t matter who I – sorry, we – pick as manager. As long as we maintain the Club’s policy of buying loads of players, loaning them to other Premiership clubs who rely heavily on them then can’t pick them to play us so we have an unfair (yet totally unnoticed) advantage.   

“This policy ensures we stand a pretty good chance of winning stuff whichever muppet is in charge and that we remain every football fan’s favourite club.”

2 Comments

  1. Well it would be funny if it wasn’t true .. hold on it’s not funny it’s sad but then that’s Chelski for you!

    That’s the point.

    Oh well back to seeing Soton part deux!

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