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IT’S OFFICIAL! CHELSEA ARE THE LEAST INTERESTING TEAM IN EUROPE

Following an exhaustive research programme, a select group of top Cambridge University boffins have proved that Chelsea are the “least interesting team in Europe”.  For example, records show that, apart from die-hard Chelsea fans, virtually no one knows Chelsea won last season’s Champions League. Boffins have now discovered why. Many football supporters instantly switch off when they hear or see the word, Chelsea.

BOFFIN: “I THINK WE LOST HIM BY THE SECOND E”

In clinical conditions, the headline, “Chelsea Win Champions League” was shown to 100s of volunteers. The results showed that the majority of them had glazed over by the end of the word Chelsea. Indeed, several dozed off and one volunteer even fell into a coma.

Chelsea have historically been followed with ardour by banker wankers who know jack shit about football as well as former skinheads who spend their time happily reminiscing about doing some Fulham slag with a shank. However the club, who have for many years retained the title of No-one’s Second Favourite Team, is notorious for also being followed by baby-men politicians who slyly swap allegiances to join the Stamford Bridge Massive.   

First, secretary shagger David Mellor donned a CFC shirt to crawl up John Major’s arse. Now Michael Gove has dumped his ‘beloved’ QPR to sing “Blue is the Colour” and applaud as Chelsea sign every young player out there and loan them out to “god forsaken shitholes”.   

MELLOR & GOVE – GOD FORSAKEN SHITHOLES

Chelsea have tried to make themselves more interesting in the past.  In the 70s, they had players like Charlie ‘Wing Wizard’ Cooke, Ian ‘Long Throw’ Hutchinson and Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris. Names that could’ve come straight from 70s cop show, The Sweeney.   When Ken Bates bought them for a quid in the 80s, it made them almost interesting.

“FANCY A QUICKIE?”

But the boredom factor was ramped right up when Roman Abramovich swooped in. He put £50 notes in the bogs of the home changing room for the players to wipe their arse on and started hiring and firing managers almost daily. Step up, club captain and talisman, John Terry. The Chelsea legend embarked on various desperate attempts to make Chelsea more interesting. Terry, who so often put his body on the line, famously did so with the girlfriend of team-mate and best-mate Wayne Bridge. It was a brave attempt to acquire the nickname John ‘Shagger’ Terry. It didn’t stick.

Undeterred, Terry mumbled something at Anton Ferdinand. He ended up in court in a process to cement the nickname John ‘Possible Racist’ Terry. It didn’t stick.

Finally, as his Blues career waned, Terry boosted interest with his comical decision to lift the Champions League trophy in full kit having watched the win from the stands. It got him the recognition he deserved and the universally acclaimed nickname, John ‘Twat’ Terry. Unsurprisingly, it did stick.

TERRY – PREPARING TO LIFT THE CUP

Sadly, since Terry’s departure, the club’s interest has dipped to pre-1990 levels, as this study proves. And in a season when Chelsea are looking to fight for the Premier League title too. This ‘Least Interesting’ title will make disturbing reading for Chelsea bigwigs but, that said, you won’t have read any of this as you’ll have seen Chelsea in the title and decided that zzzzzzzz… 

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