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Daniel “Buy No One” Levy has told preening, posturing, former-glories manager, Jose Mourinho, that he can go ahead and sign whoever he wants for Spurs – as long as it’s on a free transfer.  


Levy told the press, “Yeah, Jose didn’t even have to come and ask me. I made this decision alone. We’re going all out. Jose knows he can sign anybody, anybody he wants – as long as they cost us absolutely nothing.  This summer for us, the sky’s the limit as long as the sky is set at £0.00”

Back in November, Levy wisely sacked one of the game’s most sought-after managers.  At this morning’s press conference, Levy was eager to explain again that he made the move to get rid of Mauricio Pochettino because it was clear to him that the charismatic and tactically adroit Argentinean had done absolutely nothing for the club. 

“Apart from making Harry Kane a world beater, signing Dele Alli for peanuts, blooding a load of young players, transforming the role of full backs, overseeing our seamless move to Tottenham Hotspur’s new Stadium – catchily named Tottenham Hotspur Stadium – and playing free flowing, joy-to-watch attacking football, what did Pochettino ever do for us?”    


When a journalist piped up with, “Got an average team to the Champion’s League final without being allowed to sign anybody?”, Levy muttered “Bollocks, someone remembered.” and stormed off to return to the sanctity of his £3million salary – which went as high as £6million in 2017.


Cheery Mourinho will undoubtedly face up to the “Sign anyone, spend nothing” challenge with aplomb and a shrug. Indeed, he has already put out feelers.  Gnarled, grizzled Italian and Eastern European defensive hardmen in their mid-30s have started mansion-hunting in the few bits of North London that aren’t shit.       

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