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CHAMPAGNE SALES SOAR AS 19 PREMIER LEAGUE CLUBS CELEBRATE ONE-YEAR EXTENSION FOR DAVID LUIZ

NO F*@KING WAY! SERIOUSLY?

Arsenal ‘defender’, David Luiz, has brought a smile to the faces of strikers across the Premier League by signing a one-year contract extension.  The fuzzy-haired, fuzzy-headed Brazilian signed days after negotiations had appeared to stall as Project Restart got going.

However, after the Project’s first game saw Arsenal visit Man City and Luiz feature for just 24 minutes – with impressive stats that included achieving one tackle, one clearance, one error and one red card – Luiz’s boss, Arteta, said the extension was “in no doubt”. 

ARTETA – NO DOUBT
GUENDOUZI – ENFORCER

When the Arsenal manager was asked what clinched the deal, Arteta said, “I didn’t hesitate. I couldn’t. When I walked in, David had already signed and, before I knew it, I was pinned up against the wall by Guendouzi who thrust the pen in my hand and threatened to break my fingers if I didn’t sign.

“For years now,” he continued, “fans and pundits alike have consistently accused Arsenal’s foreign players of lacking passion. I can safely say that Matteo isn’t one of those players.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to have my splint removed.”

ARTETA – ONE GOOD HAND

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