After the first weekend of Project Restart, West Ham United have won the race to be the first of this season’s handful of relegation-threatened Premier League outfits to claim that they are “too good to go down” while showing they are “too shit to stay up.”
SQUEAKY BUM ZONE
GOLD – SILLY HATS
“To be honest, I thought I had it sussed way back in August last year.” said Porn baron, club owner and wearer of silly Russian hats, David Gold. “I was telling people privately that I reckoned we were too good to go down weeks before the season had even kicked off. Now we’ve played one game and it looks like we’re too shit to stay up.”
“I’m completely confused. But then you know what they say. ‘Football is a funny old business.’ I don’t know what to think anymore. Can we be both?” Pundit Gary Neville appears to be just as confused.
When pressed, the outspoken Sky pundit said West Ham are “too good to go down” and then said, “but you can’t say any side’s too good to go down if they go down.” It’s a mystery why he said too good to go down in the first place. He may as well say, “West Ham play like Brazil – but they also don’t.”
NEVILLE – NONSENSE
West Ham are currently hovering worryingly close to the relegation places and have now lost eight of their last eleven games but the current manager, David Moyes, says he’s addressed this problem.
MOYES – LACKING
“I’ve addressed this problem.” he said. “We just lack something in the final third. Oh, and we’re a bit shit in the middle third as well. The back third is fine apart from when we let in one of the many goals we’ve conceded. In my mind, it’s clear: we’re way too shit to go down and too good to stay – no, wait -“
