"BUT IF I DIDN'T EMBARRASS YOU, WHY THE RED FACE?"
As the country recovers from laughing uproariously at Man U’s parlous situation, attention turns to replacing Only Gunna Sackyer. Who’ll be the next United boss to cross fingers and pray Cristiano Ronaldo runs about a bit and gets a tap-in off the oppo’s goalie?
“NORWAY I SHOULD’VE HAD THE JOB”
The United bigwigs with their finger on the pulse – who assure us that they are not checking for a pulse – know exactly what they’re after. A manager who has a similar level of footballing knowledge and skill as Ole himself. Therefore, those they are currently considering are:
“ANYTHING TO GET OUT OF THE OFFICE. ACTUALLY, ON SECOND THOUGHTS…”
David Brent: ex-manager at paper merchants, Wernham-Hogg, so very good on paper. He’s already inspired other Premier League managers. Benitez copied his choice of facial hair. While at Spurs, Jose Moaninho took Brent’s tip and did a fly-on-the-wall documentary in which he looked like a wanker.
Barbara Windsor as Peggy Mitchell: ran the Queen Vic so at home with the Man U drinking culture of legends like Bryan Robson and Paul McGrath. If players get pissed, very good at shouting “Get out of my pub”. On matchdays, if an opposition forward was in on goal, she could ping her bra off and blind him. Then as the opposition gawp at her, saying “Phwhoarr”, Man U can counter. While the sex-obsessed oppo fantasise about scoring, United players could be scoring on the pitch.
“GET OFF OF MY PITCH!”
The fact that Dame Barbara sadly passed away in 2020 doesn’t seem to bother the United Board. Having brought back Ole and Ronaldo, they remain determined to live in the past. What’s more, they are used to getting what they want. Next on the list…
“SMITHERS? AH, WOODWARD. YOU’LL HAVE TO DO.”
Mr Burns from The Simpsons: his passion is MONEY, so he’ll fit right in with the Premier League and Man United. He’s used to dealing with a feckless, slow idiot so is perfect to manage Harry Maguire. The fact that he’s yellow might inspire Man U’s kit designers to come up with a brilliant new away kit (that doesn’t look like a zebra crossing) that they can have made out of shit nylon in China at 10p a pop and sell on for a bargain £84 a shirt.
The fact that Mr Burns is a cartoon character and fictional doesn’t seem to bother the United Board. Having had Butthead Van Gaal at the helm, they remain determined to believe the fiction that they are “the biggest club in the world”. What’s more, they are used to getting what they want. Finally…
Adam Balliwick, age 7¾: pulled Oldham Athletic from the bottom of League 2 to the peak of the Premier League on Championship Manager. Man United believe in footballing continuity and Adam would give them another baby-faced and clueless manager. Just as at his fictional Oldham, Adam says “I would sign Neymar, Mbappe and Millwall’s Danny Shittu. His name just makes me laugh.”
“IF THEY DON’T DO HARIBO IN THE CANTEEN, I’M OUT”
Other press reports are suggesting that Steve Bruce is also in the frame but that just isn’t credible.
