The simple Tottenham angel with the glass ankles, Harry Kane, today decided to release a statement to @kickaroundfootball regarding whether he will still be playing for the Lilywhites next season. The statement reads…
HARRY ‘MICHAEL’ KANE
“Hello. My name… is Harry Kane. (I say this at parties wearing black-rimmed glasses and in a Michael Caine accent. Everyone laughs and says I’m really funny). People are asking ‘Am I going to leave Spurs?’ I’ve supported the club ever since I stopped supporting Arsenal when I was a boy.
“Though I never supported them Gunners anyway. Honest. Someone must’ve photoshopped my head onto the photos of me in my beautiful, precious, hidden Arsenal shirt. I have a decision to make.
“Do I want to stay at Spurs, a club most players with ambitions to win things – Gareth Bale (first time), Luka Modric, Christen Eriksen, Kyle Walker and Vincent “Goal-a-Season” Janssen – can’t get away from quick enough or do I want to stay and not win things?
TOTTENHAM – SILVER WHERE?
“We have a lovely stadium. It’s a great place for fans to sit in luxury and watch us not make the top four or suffer a Europa League knock out at the hands of some foreign team no one has heard of.
STADIUM – KNOCK OUT
“Also – and this is a spooky fact – all the catering is provided by Levy Catering UK. Isn’t it great that someone with the exact same surname as our far-sighted, wheeler dealer Chairman won the ten-year contract to do all the catering? What a coincidence!
“You can see why I’m torn. Our going-nowhere, sort of managerless team with its football genius Chairman doing the negotiating knows how to attract some really famous names in the summer.
“Bringing Bale back was such a success, he wants to go all out to get Modric back. After Luka, Mr Levy is looking into bringing back Glenn Hoddle, Pat Van Den Hauwe and Martin Chivers; those boys would bring some much-needed experience. So, who knows? Your guess is as good as mine.
CHIVERS – “I’M JUST WAITING FOR THE CALL”
“I do know that I have a ‘Gentlemen’s Agreement’ with Mr Levy and – as he’s such a gentleman – if I do want to leave, he’s certain to honour that.”
