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NEVER-ENDING DEBATE OF “WILL SEASON END?” TO END JUNE 17th

A faceless Premier League spokesman took time off today from rubbing £50 notes on his nipples and moaning “Yeah, baby”, to say, “It’s essential that we finish the season to maintain the integrity of the money, er, I mean the game of football. Sorry.”

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He continued, “Yes, finish the season we absolutely must – absolutely. The integrity of our bank balance mustn’t be compromised. Sorry, did I say bank balance? I meant game. Game. Must remember – game.”

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“That said,” he went on, “the money is obviously a big factor for all of our clubs. Man City are fortunate in that they have wealthy backers. I mean, keeping Kyle Walker in prostitutes – sorry, sex prostitutes – workers, sorry – doesn’t come cheap, take it from me. Despite last year being able to hand over only £220 million to football agents, Premier League clubs are not awash with cash. Hence the need for impoverished clubs like Tottenham and Liverpool to try and furlough the dregs of their non-playing staff on the quiet.

“And clubs would never dare to request charitable donations. They’ll just keep charging people £50 for nylon shirts made in Taiwan for 25p a pop.”

“But we realise we need to look after players’, um, what d’you call it, health. So we will complete the season by playing matches and helping players observe the 2-metre distance rule at the same time. Amazed we didn’t think of it sooner! Zorb Ball – Get in!”

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