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WHAT EACH PREMIER LEAGUE CLUB WANTS IN 2021

It’s time to make resolutions and the transfer window opening means the Premier League clubs are all queuing up outside the shop windows in the hope of grabbing something worthwhile in the January sales. But do they know what they really need. We do. And here at kickaroundfootball.net we reveal what every Premier League club actually needs.

LIVERPOOL – a centre half who can stay fit for 5 minutes.
EVERTON – it can be the worst, covid-ridden, shambles at the back, turgid year, but if they can scrape a couple of one-nil wins against Liverpool, they’ll be made up.
MAN UNITED – an offer to return to Molde that Ole can’t resist.
LEICESTER – a box for Brendan Rogers to stand on. Or those invisible shoe lifts. Or everyone else to stand in a 12-inch-deep hole in the ground.
TOTTENHAM – extra space on the team bus to carry Jose’s ego. And more mirrors in his office. And, once Dele Alli goes to PSG, another young player for the Special One to bully and ruin their career.
MAN CITY – a time machine: to take them back to their playing style of 2017-18 when they seriously knew how to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo

ASTON VILLA – Some socks for Jack Grealish that know how to stay up (yes, we know he does it on purpose, but why?)
CHELSEA – Thomas Tuchel’s phone number

SOUTHAMPTON – some huge balls of cotton wool to keep Danny Ings in.
WEST HAM – to kidnap Declan Rice’s mum. If he puts in a transfer request, his old love gets it.
WOLVES – a beard trimmer for Nuno so he can actually look his age.
LEEDS – the Translator Fish from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy so Bielsa can finally talk to the players.
NEWCASTLE – the tiniest bit of flair.
CRYSTAL PALACE – a perpetual press release saying, “Zaha isn’t for sale”.
ARSENAL – to get rid of Mesut Ozil
BRIGHTON – some charisma for Graham Whossisname. We defy you to manage to summon up one memorable thing about their manager, erm, thingummy, er – Graham Someone.
BURNLEY – a penalty. Just one. Awarded to them obviously.

I’d keep Ozil
If only for the scary eyes