It’s time to make resolutions and the transfer window opening means the Premier League clubs are all queuing up outside the shop windows in the hope of grabbing something worthwhile in the January sales. But do they know what they really need. We do. And here at kickaroundfootball.net we reveal what every Premier League club actually needs.
LIVERPOOL’S DEFENSIVE DUO
LIVERPOOL – a centre half who can stay fit for 5 minutes.
EVERTON – it can be the worst, covid-ridden, shambles at the back, turgid year, but if they can scrape a couple of one-nil wins against Liverpool, they’ll be made up.
LEICESTER – a box for Brendan Rogers to stand on. Or those invisible shoe lifts. Or everyone else to stand in a 12-inch-deep hole in the ground.
TOTTENHAM – extra space on the team bus to carry Jose’s ego. And more mirrors in his office. And, once Dele Alli goes to PSG, another young player for the Special One to bully and ruin their career.
MAN CITY – a time machine: to take them back to their playing style of 2017-18 when they seriously knew how to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo
JOSE – I NEED TO PARK!
ASTON VILLA – Some socks for Jack Grealish that know how to stay up (yes, we know he does it on purpose, but why?)
CHELSEA – Thomas Tuchel’s phone number
“I WAS JOSÉ’S GOALIE – HONEST!”
SOUTHAMPTON – some huge balls of cotton wool to keep Danny Ings in.
WEST HAM – to kidnap Declan Rice’s mum. If he puts in a transfer request, his old love gets it.
WOLVES – a beard trimmer for Nuno so he can actually look his age.
LEEDS – the Translator Fish from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy so Bielsa can finally talk to the players.
NEWCASTLE – the tiniest bit of flair.
CRYSTALPALACE – a perpetual press release saying, “Zaha isn’t for sale”.
BRIGHTON – some charisma for Graham Whossisname. We defy you to manage to summon up one memorable thing about their manager, erm, thingummy, er – Graham Someone.
BURNLEY – a penalty. Just one. Awarded to them obviously.
DON’T TELL ME.I KNOW THIS ONE…ER…
FULHAM – someone who knows how to take a proper penalty. Come on, it’s not that hard, you just run up and whack the bastard.
WEST BROM – a hotline to a pizza delivery company for Big Sam – one that does extra toppings. A good broccoli supplier for all the players so he can build them into natural feeders – sorry, leaders.
SHEFFELD UNITED – a win, any sort of win.
So, that’s our take on what each Premier league club needs. Do you agree? Let us know. And if you don’t, what does your club need? Comment below…
I’d keep Ozil
If only for the scary eyes