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Under-fire, world-dominating, ‘there-for-the-fans’ football monolith, UEFA, have proved they haven’t lost the plot when it comes to losing the bottle. In fact, any player removing their bottle will be fined. If UEFA had their way, the culprits would be sanctioned. While they don’t give a flying fart whether or not players take a knee in the protest for racial equality, UEFA believe vehemently in equality of television display rights for their global corporate sponsors.

This follows impromptu and unauthorised anti-fizzy-drink-protests from a handful of top international players: Cristiano ‘My Body Is A Temple’ Ronaldo, Paul ‘My Hair Is Near My Temples’ Pogba and Manuel ‘My Name Means Regional TV’ Locatelli.


UEFA are swiftly clamping down to prevent things getting out of hand. The sponsors’ money, that is, getting out of UEFA’s hands. In a clear show of strength and moral outrage, UEFA have declared the removal of any sponsors’ product from the press conference to be ‘fine-worthy’. “Our caring sponsors couldn’t care less about publicity. Rather, they made it a contractual obligation that they be allowed to quench the thirst of the players who, let’s face it, are bound to need a drink after all their exertions.” a UEFA spokesman said. “It’s pure coincidence that the bottles are at the front of the desk and with their label facing the camera. Weird.”


And what if a player chooses to drink from one of the bottles? “That would be perfect.”, he replied. “I mean, that’s what the bottles are there for, after all. Although, if they drink from the bottle so we can still see the label, that would be great.”

Needless to say, UEFA have been considerate in understanding the situation with certain footballers.  Pogba, for example, was justified in moving the bottle of Heineken as he’s a practicing Muslim and doesn’t drink alcohol.

“That was a mistake, and we’re sorry.” the spokesman continued. “Going forward, we’ll take care to understand the needs of individual players. For example, special stipulations will be made for Raheem Sterling and Lorenzo Insigne.  They will be given extra cushions so we can see them.” 


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