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IT’S TRUE – SPURS ENDED LAST SEASON WITH A TROPHY!!

With the new season about to kick-off, Tottenham fans the length and breadth of Tottenham are already jumping for joy. It turns out the 20/21 Premier League season was a bumper one for the Lilywhites. Not only did they finish above their north London nemesis, the mighty Arse, but Spurs did ACTUALLY win a trophy.

SPURS – “SILVER WHERE?”

Tottenham came top in the 20/21 Premier League ‘Sustainable’ Table.  Yes, while their fans screamed and dreamed of a Champions League spot, an FA Cup or – if they’re really desperate – a Carabao Cup, their canny, caring Chairman had an eye on a whole other prize. And only went and won it!  

According to the tournament’s rulebook, there are a whole host of ways the clubs can win points.  For example, in the Sustainable Transport category, Spurs score well because their new stadium is actively promoted as a ‘Public Transport Destination’.  This title obviously gained courtesy of Mourinho’s tactic of Parking the Bus.

Mourinho Parking a Bus
MOURNIHO – DRIVING FANS ROUND THE BEND

And the fans play their part too.  Spurs scored highly with no more than 23% of their fans travelling to games by private car.  This compares with both Manchester clubs with over 52% of their loyal fans travelling by Asia Airlines. 

Food and beverages were another fruitful area for Spurs. For example, mineral water at the stadium is now only available in cartons.

KANE – SINGLE-USE?

This was clear in the title race after Christmas when Spurs clearly lost their bottle.  In general catering, Tottenham were top of the pile in complying with the stipulation that “any new stadium contracts that come up for tender include a requirement to cut single-use plastics”.

This has been followed to the letter at Spurs.  As has the contractual obligation that the winning tender must also contain the surname Levy. Here at KAF, we haven’t actually found that clause in the rulebook yet but have been assured by the club that ‘it is in there somewhere’.

Waste is a dirty word at the new stadium, with fans instructed as to how to correctly dispose of waste rather than chuck it at the players when they waste a 3-goal lead against West Ham.  Green-Go-Getter, Daniel Levy, agrees. “Waste? Can’t stand it. You’ll never catch me letting good money go to waste on players who might actually help Spurs win something, that’s for sure.”

SPURS – 3 GOALS AND 3 POINTS WASTED
TÖTTNUMIKEA’S NEW EMPTY TROPHY CABINET

All this Planet Passion has left Spurs standing atop the table and rising from the ashes of the chaotic 20/21 season with a trophy. Levy spoke to us proudly beside an empty Trophy Cabinet. “In keeping with the ethics of the tournament, the trophy was obviously biodegradable.  But we did have a trophy in there – honest.  And as you can see from our trophy cabinet, we keep no precious metals in there whatsoever. Just think of the money those big four are spending on Duraglit and Brasso. Disgusting.

“This competition’s much more challenging than your run-of-the-mill Premier League season.” continued the environmentally-minded, pro-planet Levy, “We are the Sustainability Champions and I’m having it printed on our new kit in Cambodia as we speak.” 

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