Mikel Arteta, the shop-window dummy look-alike and Arsenal manager, today told a packed press conference at the Emirates that semi-permanent Arsenal bench-warmer and part-time footballer, Mesut Ozil, has been integral to the team’s performance this season and tremendous value for money. Former club captain turned manager, Arteta said “From Ozil’s eighteen games so far he has a breathtakingly impressive premier league tally of one goals as well as an absolutely staggering two assists.”
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The Spaniard continued, “Work it out for yourselves. These three goal involvements cost the club a paltry £350,000 a week. And if you pretend those goalmouth involvements took place over 18 weeks – which they didn’t – that works out at just £2.1 million per goal activity. I’d happily pay double that.”
Arteta also pointed out that Ozil’s one goal of the season came at a vital time, “We were playing Newcastle at home and Mesut scored the all-important third goal in the last minute, inspiring us to a 4-0 victory. If he hadn’t scored when he did, who knows what might’ve happened? We might’ve only won 2-0 which would have been a calamity for the club.
Arteta went on, “That +2 goal difference is well worth the £18.2 million a year we pay him to splash out on a solid gold car, on a huge collection of expensive trainers that all look like they were bought down Walthamstow Market and, thankfully, on having his really rubbish personal logo inlaid on just about every surface in the house in case his head-spinning goal tally mesmerises him into forgetting his own name.”
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