Manchester Disunited’s dismal early season form continues to continue. Ed Woodward, the United supremo, who pointlessly buys players with no idea of how or where they might play, has come up with a plan to rescue the club. Woodward said, “Yes, I have a plan.
WOODWARD – DEADWOOD
“In the next transfer window I’m aiming to sign a fat bloke defenderwho plays Sunday morning football and doesn’t move about much. When our coach, Only Gonna Sackyer, puts the Fat Bloke sticker on the pitch mock-up, he’ll know that Fat Bloke will stay where he’s supposed to be on the pitch through sheer laziness.” Football genius Woodward went on,
“Talking of laziness, I must refute the rumour that Paul Pogba is retiring from international football. The way he’s playing at present, he’s retiring from ALL football. That said, he’s great at walking round with his arms out in a disgruntled fashion. People around London and the South Coast appreciate that sort of moaning so he’ll still be popular with our hometown fans.”
POGBA – FASHION
“Anyway, back to my plan,” said Man U’s master tactician – “as well as Fat Bloke we’ll also dip into the Sunday League rosta and sign a useless, chippy right back to moan and nag at the referee throughout the game. It doesn’t matter if they’re a bit shit, just so long as they keep whining and whining in a whiny Manc accent. Basically, I’m looking for the new Gary Neville.”
OGS – OMG – OUT
In the meantime, Only Gonna Sackyer – whose every press conference consists of the question, When are they going to sack you? – said, “They didn’t sack me yesterday. Or the day before. It’s half ten now and I’ve not been sacked today either. Mind you, it is still quite early.”
Kickaroundfootball approached Man U’s master tactician, Woodward, about what the future holds for manager, Only Gonna Sackyer, and is awaiting an answer – presumably while the Chairman searches the internet to find out what a manager actually does.
