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The glamorous world of BBC football punditry has been sent reeling this evening as it was announced that Newcastle and England icon and national treasure, Alan Shearer, has finally run out of tales to tell the viewing public about his time playing the beautiful game.


The slap-headed marksman had worked his way through many a tall and hilarious tale about scoring loads of goals, not signing for Man United


where he might have actually won something, and who the best defender ever, best goal scorer ever, best keeper ever was ever in the Premier League ever – the birth of the Premier League in 1992 being, as every right minded person knows, when proper football started.

Admitting that his meandering, slightly dull story-well had run dry, the one-arm-in-the-air goal celebration hotshot confessed, “It’s true, I’ve run dry. I never dreamed it would happen but when I started talking to Gary about the 14 goals I once scored in a school Under 7s game against Jesmond Academy For Delinquent Boys, I knew it was time to retire. When your story legs have gone, they’re gone.”

Match of the Day host and crisp ambassador, Gary Lineker, who never fails to pointlessly snigger at anything anyone says, chipped in, “Alan’s being very hard on himself. Any quality storyteller knows, you’ve got to get in the right positions for storytelling. It’s all about being selfish, keeping your eye on the balderdash and slamming your amusing anecdotes into the back of the internet”.


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