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SPURS HAVE A HART

In a (let’s be honest) rather surprising move, former England non-glories keeper, Man City, West Ham and Burnley reject, Joe Hart, has turned down a fictional approach from north of the border to sign a two-year contract for Tottenham.

“WHAT THE F*@K DO I DO NOW?”

The Lilywhites’ manager, sullen Portuguese whinger and occasional bus parker Jose Mourinho, explained the reasoning to a Press conference.

“BUT I JUST HAD A HAIRCUT!”

“We needed someone to stand in the wrong place on the goal line at free kicks, get weirdly over-excited before kick-off and give the squad loads of free Head&Shoulders. Our defence will still be shit but at least none of them will have dandruff.  Personally, I’m rather partial to the Citrus Fresh 2-in-1.”

Spurs chairman, Daniel Levy, who is not afraid to spend big (on his own pay packet), interrupted the manager.

“Honestly, I’ve had my eye on Joe for ages but the timing was never quite right. Joe might say it was, but I wanted him to be that little bit hungrier, more mature. Oh, and free. Once I knew he’d cost me jackshit, I was quick to whip out the cheque book. A dream signing.”

LESSER-SPOTTED CHEQUEBOOK

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