In a (let’s be honest) rather surprising move, former England non-glories keeper, Man City, West Ham and Burnley reject, Joe Hart, has turned down a fictional approach from north of the border to sign a two-year contract for Tottenham.
The Lilywhites’ manager, sullen Portuguese whinger and occasional bus parker Jose Mourinho, explained the reasoning to a Press conference.
“We needed someone to stand in the wrong place on the goal line at free kicks, get weirdly over-excited before kick-off and give the squad loads of free Head&Shoulders. Our defence will still be shit but at least none of them will have dandruff. Personally, I’m rather partial to the Citrus Fresh 2-in-1.”
“Honestly, I’ve had my eye on Joe for ages but the timing was never quite right. Joe might say it was, but I wanted him to be that little bit hungrier, more mature. Oh, and free. Once I knew he’d cost me jackshit, I was quick to whip out the cheque book. A dream signing.”