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Jose Mourinho is set to undergo a somewhat surprising career change. He’s becoming the latest singing talent judge on the X Factor.  Mourinho used to be the manager with the Midas touch but now everything he touches turns to drab and dismal football that makes people flick off Sky and watch the ubershite Death in Paradise instead.


The Spurs motto, “To Dare is To Do”, will become “To Be Doo Be Doo” for the pouting Portuguese maestro when he takes his seat between Simon Cowell and someone who was once in a girl band and who we’d forgotten till she cropped up in the crappy, cringe-inducing Saturday night freak show.

Mourinho’s excellent recent record of three wins from the last 11 league games (including taking six points off the bottom two clubs) is almost the same tally that got his predecessor Maurico Pochettino the elbow. And it has persuaded up-to-the-nipple-trouser-wearing midget, Cowell, to poach Jose to boost the barrel-scraping ratings for the shouty, prime time show where deluded people are publicly dehumanised and left with their inflated dreams shattered.

Cowell said, “We wanted someone who lives the X Factor ethos of being devoid of ideas and is prepared to churn out the same old rubbish. Jose fits the bill perfectly. Similarly, his unwarranted public attack on Vinicius reminded me of me – which is always great. What’s more, we’re after someone who has no game plan, no attacking intent and can get the best out of Gareth Bale.  Jose fulfils two of those conditions, so he’s in.”


Spurs fans will be relieved to hear that Mourinho believes he can easily take on the role by moonlighting. He reckons the jobs are so similar that he can comfortably do them in tandem.  Mourinho said,


“Don’t worry, all you loyal Spurs fans who were 100% behind Poch being sacked just months after he led you to a Champions League Final, with no budget and a chairman who was 100% behind him until he told him to fuck right off. I’ll still be here.” Mourinho, as usual, went on. “Plus there’s no chance Spurs fans will be confused watching the show.  All my X Factor acts will park the bus across the stage and hang on for a drab draw”.    

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