A new season means a new series of club kits – forcing their loyal fanbase to cough up over-the-odds sums or face embarrassment down the pub. But this season, more than ever, it looks like the embarrassment will be felt more by the players who have to don the shirts – in particular the mysterious, yet ‘clearly essential’, third strip.
MAYBE TRY BETTER?
Too many clubs have dragged their bulging cheque books into the fashion houses who, without a second thought, have happily exchanged mouth-watering amounts of money for eye-watering ‘fashion’.
Arsenal’s, for example, is an exquisite tribute to the equally tasteful marble floor of Mesut Ozil’s kitchen – the one that he spends so much time polishing while he sees out his multi-million-pound contract for doing naff all.
Liverpool’s away strip has an inexplicable watery look. Surely it wasn’t a case of the designer thinking, “Hmmm, Liverpool? POOL – Let’s put them in swimwear!” Come to think of it, that will be exactly what happened. Journalists will already be slavering at the prospect of using headlines like, ‘REDS IN DEEP WATER’, ‘TITLE WAVES GOODBYE’ and, of course, ‘CHAMPIONS SUNK!’
The Baggies hope they’ll have more energy if they dress like Lucozade. Who needs fans with shirts that loud? Meanwhile Peru’s – sorry, Southampton’s – strip comes with its own safety belt. Bumpy ride ahead?
SAINTS’ THIRD STRIPE
Talking of copycat strips, it’s not difficult to tell which club the designer of Chelsea’s shirt supports. Their third strip bears more than a passing resemblance to the Crystal Palace kit. No doubt Palace would happily take a third of Chelsea’s budget in return.
ABRAMOVICH’S PALACE?
PINKING BLADES
While teams like Sheff Utd and Everton have gone for plain, nondescript and (some might say) average, the big fashionistas are in Manchester.
PITCH GREEN?
THEY’VE BEEN ETIHAD
Both sides of the Manc divide are really testing the bravery and commitment of their fans. Last season’s runners-up have gone for a soft, paisley pattern – clearly intended to make opposition defenders think Sergio Aguero is a pussycat. Apparently, “with graphics inspired by the city’s architecture, landscape, music and arts, these must-haves are eye-catchers.” And at £105 each, they are also ‘wallet-emptiers’.
Meanwhile, at Old Trafford, the price is a lot lower at £65. It’s there on the shop website in black and white. And so’s the shirt. A bizarre head-f*@k for TV cameras and team-mates alike, this could well be the best crossing we see on the pitch. Interestingly there is nothing at the back which could prove to be true if Phil Jones has anything to do with it. We doubt many people will cross the road to get one. But they might cross ON one.
HEAD-F*@K
If you’re one of those disenchanted football fans who, for some time now, has believed that it’s more about money than the game, these shirts do nothing to disprove that. But the real shame is that these kits give the impression that designers are taking the money and running. Meanwhile the teams are running out on a catwalk. And a pretty crap catwalk at that.
It’s not rocket science. If you were running a high-profile, loaded club and felt the need to have an exclusive, ‘fashion-conscious’ third kit designed for you, then surely you would look no further than the famed designers of all things classy in Italy – like the ones who designed the third kit for Juventus.
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