With the 21/22 season under way – unbelievably only weeks after the final of Euro, er, 2020 – and the transfer window hanging off its hinges, KAF have rung round the Premier League clubs to find out not who but what is top of their shopping list going into the new term. Obviously they weren’t going to sell us club secrets but, by filling in the gaps in their statements, we’ve been able to build a pretty good picture of what every club needs this season.
ARSENAL: For the table to be calculated alphabetically rather than by pesky points. Oh, and a new gaffer. Apparently, some young firebrand named Arsene Wenger is touting for work.
ASTON VILLA: Now Greedish has left, they need someone new with great calves. So, when the game’s dull – like most of last season – fans can still go, “Wow, what calves! From the waist down he’s gorgeous.”
BRENTFORD: A tissue for the nose bleeds. And the instruction manual to go with it because, last time they were in the top flight, (see pic) they would have used a ‘kerchief.
BRIGHTON: A glitzy location for a humdinger of a party. Come on, £50 million for Ben White? They’re going to have to spend it on something.
BURNLEY: R.E.S.P.E.C.T. A manager with no money, no fancy dans, no hair even and STILL no relegation. How? Maybe this is how.
CHELSEA: More promising youngsters. Currently they have a youth squad of only three hundred and fifty schoolboy internationals – all out on loan.
CRYSTAL PALACE: The phone number of Woy’s wetirement home for when Patrick Vieira resigns after seven games when it hits home that no one at Palace is as good as he was. Is.
EVERTON: A wall to keep their backs to. And anti-spyware equipment so they can see what Rafa The Gafa’s really up to.
LEEDS: A brand new bucket for Marcelo sit on. Looks like the bottom might be falling out of his current one. Although some kind of touchline pouffe might make crouching more comfortable.
LEICESTER: Someone to follow Brendan whispering “Brendan, you look really good. You’re really good-looking. You’z the handsomest gaffer ever. Always have been.” while praying no-one mentions Marco Silva.
LIVERPOOL: The African Cup of Nations to be off again so Mo and Mane don’t disappear for a month.
MAN CITY: NOT a pricey new striker because they sensibly held on to Sergio Aguer- Wait, they didn’t? He’s a genius, that Pep.
MAN UTD: Varane, from Spain, stays mainly free from pain. The big Frenchman’s injury issues could seriously hamper Ole’s genius status.
NEWCASTLE: Some local love for Steve Bruce – the only manager in the League whose nose can sniff round corners.
NORWICH: A new nickname. Even cricket teams have names like Tigers or Marauders these days. Canaries just doesn’t cut the mustard. They need something yellow and dangerous such as “The Shark Infested Custards”.
SOUTHAMPTON: A road map showing all the grounds in the Championship in preparation for next season.
TOTTENHAM: A new chairman to replace Take-It-or-Levy. Oh, and a prayer – pinning all their hopes on Harry not becoming Citizen Kane.
WATFORD: A mortice lock on the door to manager’s office – so hopefully they can actually hold onto one, at least till Christmas.
WEST HAM: Some new seating in London stadium. When the Europa League Comedy Cup stretches a thin squad thinner, they’ll want the seats facing away from the pitch.