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FIFA FEEL FUTURE FINALS FINISH FINALLY IF FIFA FIND FEE

FIFA HQ, ZURICH – EARLIER TODAY

FIFA today announced that the many delayed football tournaments around the world can be completed as soon as various associations bribe football’s governing body to allow clubs to complete a wide range of competitions.

The FIFA President, who amusingly not only looks like a big baby in a suit but is aptly named Gianni Infantino (which literally translates as ‘Giant Infant”), spoke earlier today.

“Whilst it’s true that many clubs and leagues will struggle, we want to normalise football as soon as possible by collecting vast payments from… well, everybody really. In this way, we believe things can soon get back to the way they once were.”

INFANTINO, ZURICH – AT TEA-TIME

FIFA and Infantino have been angered by suggestions that they are out of touch. “I’m angry that people have suggested FIFA are out of touch.” he said, “We are constantly descending from the FIFA HQ, Ivory Towers, to listen and learn about what is going on in the world. Unfortunately, rather than talking about football and giving us money, most people seem to be talking about some flu or other.”

BLATTER, OUT THE BACK – AT 2.00AM

When questioned as to whether simply handing over money would normalise football, Infantino baldly stated, “Yes, of course it will. Giving FIFA officials money for spurious reasons is the perfect lead up to the Qatar 2022 World Cup.”

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