DANIEL LEVY ‘SCARED SHITLESS’ BY DECISION ERROR

Tottenham’s chairman, Daniel ‘Long-Pockets’ Levy, is haunted – yes HAUNTED – by his error this week.  He had two announcements to make and, in ‘a good week to bury bad news’, he couldn’t decide which decision would be best buried by which. In reality, he hoped to bury them both but didn’t have a big enough spade.

“The fans wanted Jose out – and so did I,” Levy said. “But I was happy to reach the end of a crap season and qualify for the No-hopa League rather than part with £15 million smackers for marching Moaninho off the premises early. Until a scary thought occurred to me.”

The Lilywhites’ overlord continued, “If, by some miracle, we were to win the CarraBoneo cup, the Porto Pouter will come over all grand. He’ll say we can’t offload him because he’s got us some silverware.  I mean, what the hell even is silverware?  I only have gold-plated cutlery in my house. So, the sacking had to happen before the final – and that’s final. Silverware, my arse. For starters, where does he think we’d keep the bloody thing anyway?  No-one’s seen the key to our trophy cabinet since Harry Redknapp left.”

It turns out the hairless Hertfordshire Hoarder was hoping that his decision to sack the manager – highlighting his woeful error of judgement in hiring silver-haired Mourinho in the first place – could be buried under the news that Tottenham want in on the silver-plated Super League.  The question remains: which error of judgement is ‘woefuller’?

The idea of the White Hart Lane outfit joining a no-relegation cluster of ‘super’ teams realistically means only one thing. Tottenham will be a small fish in an even smaller pond. Like their North London chums, Arsenal, Spurs will forever swill around in the depths of the group unable to drop out while the legitimate ‘super’ clubs of Spain and Italy will gorge themselves on the riches at the top.  Not that that bothers Levy.

“I’ve done my calculations.” he said, “If we come 11^th in the Super League, it might sound shit but think about it. The money will cover Mourinho’s sackage package and there’ll be enough left over to get me some gold-plated crockery too.

“You see, that sort of thing just isn’t considered by the, er, what d’you call’em? You know, er, the people who wear scarves and shit and turn up week in week out to sing together and clap and stuff. Oh, bollocks, what do you call them? There’s a word for them, I swear. No, wait. It’ll come to me.”