Latest Headlines


The CEO of the Premier League, Richard Masters – yes, he really is called Dick Masters, a great name for a brothel – reckons £14.95 a game is a ‘defensible’ price for a ‘premium product’.  And by premium he means games like the recent, record-breaking Burnley West Brom 0-0 thriller.  


Yes, you read right. According to Masters, the game was ‘record-breaking’ and the Premier League reckon any moaning minnies can take that right up the jacksy. In fact, he said, it broke multiple Premier League records.


We chatted with Dickie Masters – making sure we kept it brief, as he charges a record-breaking twelve quid a minute for any conversation. He said the game broke records as Branislav Ivanović became the oldest outfield player to debut for a Premier League team since Peter Crouch for Burnley against Southampton in February 2019. 

We pointed out that it’s not really a record then but Masters was having none of it. In fact, he nearly choked on his three-shot mocca-chocca-cino. ‘It is one since 2019 so it counts. And besides,’ he went on, ‘out of all 48 matches in this goal-fest of a season, that was the ONLY game that ended 0-0. Like I say, multiple records.’ Hoping not to make the conversation last any longer than our £42.30 would allow, we asked if a goal-drought record was worth paying £14.95 to witness. Especially if you’ve already more than likely coughed up for multiple TV subscriptions and possibly season tickets.

Dickie scoffed “If mugs- er, fans are stupid- sorry, loyal enough to cough up like morons- er true supporters, then we’d be fools not to take their money.” He continued, as the pay-per-word clock mercilessly ticked on, “We wouldn’t dare insult them. We take our lead from the Premier League clubs who care deeply about their supporters.”


“That’s why they only charge £60 a pop for three different nylon replica shirts a season. Each one carefully hand-stitched by nine-year-old girls in the Philippines”. As we raced to try and leave the room, the Premier League Bling Boss all but bankrupted us by carrying on, “What we charge for this wonderful product is all a question of balance.   Our bank balance.”  

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related Articles

Back to top button