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Owner, Mike Ashley, is disgusted that despite “cutting my own throat, I couldn’t get f*@king Newcastle DisUnited and all them moaning Geordie tossers off my hands. I’m gobsmacked,” elucidated Ashley. “I used the same principles to sell the north-east club that I use to sell racks of gear.” he said, indicating his upmarket ath-leisure store, Sports Direct.

Ashley revealed his sales strategy, which ran along the lines of Sports Direct sales, in an angry press conference. He said, “To sell, I enticed the consortium in by offering dodgy, half-price Adidas trackies in the window.”

“I’d put the club in the remaindered bin near some bright coloured footballs and the crappy golf umbrellas that I sell for £3 a pop. See, I knew these would attract the
attention of Saudi Arabia’s Wealth Fund and the Rueben Brothers. “They were being repped by that
blonde piece, Amanda Stavely.


“To give them all the full Sports Direct Sales Experience, I made them traipse past shelves of remaindered trainers and wade through racks full of dowdy, blue/grey, 10-year-old Lee Cooper sweatshirts, Tommy Hilfiger fire-damaged stock and piss poor, partially mesh Lonsdale baseball caps.”


“To make the sale feel genuine, I had planned for them to take the club to the till, where I made sure the cashier didn’t know the price. She’d then get on a walkie-talkie to ask her manager and, after the third attempt to ask, she would be told it was his day off.”

“We also had a cunning plan to upsell them some of our millions of baggy, white socks, some of our well-over-ordered Sports Direct water bottles and a Sports Direct Bag for Life as long as you die in the next week or so.”

“To round off the Sports Direct experience, we would’ve had them show their receipt to a suspicious, overbearing security guard before they got out. And, of course, they’d have had the Sports Direct Guarantee which clearly states that the Club will look great until they get it home, open it and spot a few holes – especially across the back. 


“But before all that could happen, the Premier League told the Saudis to sling their hook because they were bigger criminals than me. They’ve got a terrible human rights record apparently, but I’m sure my employees wouldn’t have noticed any difference. Gutted.”

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