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SACKYER’S ‘INJURIES’ PLAN FOR RETURN TO MAN UTD GLORY

The Man United manager, Only Gunna Sackyer, has vowed to bring the glory days back to Old Trafford with a plan that is leaving the England Euros squad in tatters. “We’ve gone way too long without a trophy,” squeaked the Norwegian. “I played under the genius Sir Alex, and have finally worked out what made the difference: Injuries!

Solskjaer Sad
SACKYER – WON JACK SHIT

“Back then, with him as gaffer, we won everything but I’ve won jack shit.  Obviously it’s harder for me. I’ve got Pogba’s hairdo and Fred’s inability to deal with. But there had to be something in Sir Alex’s formula I could copy. Then it hit me: Injuries. It’s so obvious, it hurts.”

Ferguson, a scot, was famously England’s nemesis in the Club vs Country argument.  To his mind, playing for Man Utd was far more important than playing for the country. International duty – or rather England duty – always took second place to helping his club win silverware.

Neil Webb was the first – removed from England’s Euro ’92 squad with an injury ‘invented’ by Ferguson. Before the 2002 World Cup, David Beckham uncannily ‘acquired’ a broken bone which nobody had even heard of and, before the 2012 Euros, Phil Jones was suddenly ‘carrying a knock’ – although rumour has it the England camp invented the injury. 

BECKHAM – METAT-ARSEHOLE

If he sensed any player’s interest in playing for England, Ferguson would lose it completely. Hence the red face.  Even Ryan Giggs often dropped out of internationals to keep his gaffer happy – and he didn’t even play for England.

DONNY – VON DE BENCH

This year’s tournament is already feeling the effect of the ‘Old Trafford Injury List’ and, at his press conference, there was no hiding the smile on Only Gunna Sackyer’s baby-face. He was clearly delighted and said as much. “Getting Mason Greenwood to withdraw from the Euros on the pretext of an ‘underlying issue’ was a top result.” he smirked. When a dutch reporter asked him if Donny van de Beek had pulled out of the Netherlands squad for the same reason, the Norwegian said, “Who?”

He went on, “Getting Harry Maguire out of the Euros is proving trickier. Southgate obviously rates him and wants him in the tournament. Every night Harry rings me saying he can’t sleep for worrying that he’s still on the squad list. I told him to take control and pull himself off. He was relieved immediately and fell asleep in seconds.”  But Sackyer is proud of the players’ response to his call for them to protect themselves for their club. “It’s really refreshing.

“Obviously, they’re not all going to drop out at once but I’ve now got Hendo the keeper to drop out and I’m confident I can get most of them before the tournament ends. It’s just like the good old days when we were all doing it.  Even Giggsy has dropped out of the Euros again.  Once a Red…” 

Ryan Giggs
GIGGS – ‘AVOIDING’ INTERNATIONAL DUTIES

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