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MAN! WHO’S THE NEXT MAN TO MANAGE MAN UTD?

The hunt continues to decide who’s the next man to manage Man United. Meanwhile, Ralf Rangnick, the bespectacled, somewhat confused German, who – come on, let’s admit it – no one genuinely thought could be a real Premier League manager, oversees a footballing revolution at Old Trafford.

RUNGNECK – SHIT STANDARD

His winning win rate of 45% leaves ex-gaffer, Only Gonna Sackyer’s 54% in the shade. His unique 4-2-2-2 formation, known in football circles as “The Shit Standard Lamp Formation” is a winner.  Except when it isn’t.  Which is often.

After looking briefly at Mauricio Roberto Pochettino and Erik Ten Hag, the incredibly clever people in suits who skilfully appoint new managers at Man U, have some new names in the frame.  Here are the top three of those possibles. Up first, from the Wernham Hogg hot seat, David Brent.

Yes, Brent is fictional – but as most of the wins are fiction, he should fit right in. Ideal for a cash-cow, fly-on-the-wall documentary like the City and Spurs ones. That would be a commercial triumph. Because it would keep United top of the PremierShop. He could play his guitar pre-match in the changing room. Meanwhile, the warm-up could be that dance he does. 

‘LOOK, RIGHT. THERE’S NO ‘I’ IN UNITED, YEAH. – OH, WAIT…’

If he fancied having a go himself, he could easily slot in at right back. We’re pretty sure he could surely do a better job going forward than Wan Bissaka. Pick No: 2 (which pissed him off, incidentally) – Cristiano Ronaldo.

RONALDO – ‘MAKES SENSE TO ME.’

The player manager role suits him. He could pick himself in every position.  For example, he can appoint himself corner taker, take it, nip into the box and use his prodigious leap to head it in.  Although the opposition would know they were up against one man, it wouldn’t seem like it. Ronaldo’s ego can overpower just about anything. And if playing every position gets too much, he could pick some of those dog awful statues of him to fill in. In fact, a midfield of four Ronaldo statues would be more tactically aware than Fred and McTominay.

Having said that, a midfield three of Fred, McTominay and one of those Ronaldo busts would at least show that United can play ugly. The third option that the Old Trafford board are considering is Roy Keane.

The grumpy-arsed Irishman’s dismal managerial record makes him a perfect fit.  His no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners style would whip the Johnny Showboaters into shape sharpish. His regime of cold showers, shouting in people’s faces and making the five worst squad players wear barbed-wire jockstraps would endear him to the fans.

KEANE – NOT AS NICE AS HE LOOKS

And when Man U can’t sign Erling Haaland because they failed to get into the Champions League, Keane offers the perfect smoke screen excuse to their fitful followers, having once tried to petulantly break the leg of the player’s dad.

So, good luck to those canny, football-savvy Old Trafford big knobs who are fully focused on finding the right man who can manage to keep United on the back pages and at the top of the money-making tree.

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