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CHELSEA SALE EXCLUSIVE! THE ESTATE AGENT’S DETAILS

Here at Kickaroundfootball, we have managed to gain access to the estate agent’s details for the sale of World and European Club champions and now possibly bankrupt, Chelsea FC. Reading it will make your eyes water but not as much as the eyes of former owner, Roman Abramovich. He was looking for a quick sale and the asset-freeze has slowed it up better than Rudiger. But it gives all of us time to have a nose at what’s up for grabs. On top of that, it hasn’t stopped the vultures circling. And they must be filthy rich vultures too because there is a heck of a lot on the inventory. Chelsea fans may want to look away. For the rest of us mere mortals, however, it’s a cracking read.

CHELSEA – SWANKY

* A property of extraordinary value to any potential buyer, given that, only forty years ago, the club was languishing outside the top flight when a crafty cockney snapped it up for just £1. Now we’ve valued it at over £3 billion. That is an increase in value of 29,999,999,990%.

* The residence has a truly international feel with space to sit on multiple levels and enjoys a prime location in swanky west London – ideal for oligarch helicopter rides to and from handy yachts in the Med.

* Rooms include a state-of-the-art Manager’s Office with built-in revolving door.

* The changing room is regularly refurbished.

* A walk-in wardrobe is stocked full of outfits that change every year for no particular reason.

ALL CHANGE

* Included in the price are an extensive number of purchases with great potential, currently leased to other clubs as far afield as Crystal Palace, Norwich, Southampton, Milan and Istanbul.

LUKAKU’S PRACTICE GOAL – SOLD AS NEW

Extra items included:

* Outdoor space, sheltered on all four sides, contains a rectangular, well-cared-for lawn.

* The centre forward’s practice goal – which he is supposed to use for shooting practice. It is in pristine condition, having never been used.

* An extra large trophy cabinet as previous owner was keen to buy as many trophies as possible.

NO TIME-WASTERS PLEASE. VIEWING BY APPOINTMENT ONLY (or every other Saturday if you have a ticket – and good luck with that, by the way.)

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